Little green men, flying saucers and ricocheting laser beams fill your field of vision; explosions, screaming and the distinct odour of burnt dog fill the air. Your mind races, your heart nearly beats its way right out of your chest and you can’t get your feet to move even an inch.
A bad dream? Maybe. Or maybe it’s your worst dream come true. Aliens are attacking, and they’re winning! Think genius, what do you do?!?
Well, short of risking my own life to hold your hand and lead you to safety, here’s a quick field guide for saving your neck, getting the girl and just maybe kicking a little alien ass while you’re at it.
There are three rules to surviving a global attack by interstellar beings, and none involve making tin foil hats.
Rule #1 – Trust No One
These alien bastards are ruthless, highly advanced and decidedly non-communicative. So how did they know just where to strike and how hard. They might have disguised operatives on the ground, or they might be in cahoots with government officials; either way, you’re safer on your own.
Actually, being on your own is probably going to be your best bet anyway. An alien attack would most likely resemble a mass extermination, and like any good exterminator knows, you gotta hit the big ant hills first.
So get yourself out of town, as fast as possible. If you have to travel with others (friends, family or your parole officer), keep your groups to a minimum and travel by the road least taken. Main roads will become jammed with panicked Suits and Soccer Moms in no time, so use that keen sense of direction and uncannily male ability to get lost…and get lost!
Wherever you go, it better be deserted. Congregating in large groups may seem prudent for long term survival, but you’ve got a more immediate problem on your hands; avoiding the alien death ray to be precise. Large groups have different problems than small groups. Staying organised, finding shelter and food, caring for fallen members, all of these things are going to slow you down, and slowing down is going to get you killed.
Rule #2 – Know Your Enemy
Watching all those episodes of the X-files and Unsolved Mysteries is finally going to pay off, unfortunately, Skully and Mulder aren’t around to help you now. You need intel and you need it fast. This is no time to duck and run, well ok, maybe it is a good time for both those things, but while you’re high-tailing it for the nearest exit, look back over your shoulder and try to get a look at the big Meany you’re running away from.
A few of things you need to know are:
How are they surviving in our atmosphere? Exo-technology, bioadaption, or are they simply compatible with us, biologically?
Are they using their impressive technology to overtake the planet, or are they bringing the fight to the streets, so-to-speak?
By what means are they sorting the masses for slaughter? Are they targeting groups? Focusing in on movement? Or just laying waste to everything?
This may seem like a strange time to be making pointed observation, as though you’re about to ask for an autograph, but the more you know about these issues, the better chances you have for survival. Each of the above three items will give you very specific and possibly diametric information with which to make split second decisions.
Assuming you make it out the door, your continued survival will depend on your ability to assimilate and process tactical information about your enemy.
Possibly the worst mistake you could make at this point is running wildly into the madness without a plan, and coming up with a plan requires information, about the situation and about your enemy.It may have worked out well for Tom Cruise and Dakota Fanning, but I wouldn’t recommend it.
Rule #3 Never Assume It’s Dead…Ever!
So you managed to get away, you fought your way, tooth and nail, through crowds of hysterical men and women, unruly mobs of soon-to-be-dead vigilantes, and of course, hoards of opportunistic looters. You survived frontal attacks, running escapes, close calls and near misses.You hid in dark corners, holding your breath and willing the creatures away.
And now you’ve come to it, a face-to-face encounter; hand-to-hand combat with a rogue alien assassin, and despite his technological advantage, you exerted your physical will on him and by the looks of it, you’ve won.
I’m telling you right now, if you fall for that old movie bit where the bad guy plays dead and then shoots the good guy in the back…I’m gonna come down there and gut you myself.
Forward momentum is your only advantage now, use it. This is one time when kicking a man when he’s down is called for. You keep firing that stolen ray gun until it runs out of batteries. Drop an anvil on his head, and then follow it up with a building. My point is…you make damn sure that thing isn’t going to get back up! I dare say, you should keep hitting him till he’s a steaming pile of green goo (unless of course, if that’s how he was to begin with).
Unfortunately for you, an alien attack pretty much means you’re on your own. Don’t expect to be rescued by your local fire department or National Guard. Don’t expect your knight in shining armour to show up and carry you off into the sunset. Your wits are the only help you’ll be getting from here on in, just remember, if a broomstick and a Twinkie can be a weapon in Jackie Chan’s hands, just imagine what you can do with a 2×4 and a tire iron.