From The Desk of Darth Vader

As you may or may not be aware, Deck Commander Hennessey has failed me for the last time. He is now resting peacefully in the cold void of space (somewhere in the vicinity of the Camino system).

Please join me in welcoming this other guy to the prestigious position of Patsy…err, I mean Deck Commander; you will all now take your duty assignments directly from him. This means, in case you missed it, when you screw the pooch and let those blasted rebels get away, it’s his ass in the sling. Or rather, it’s his throat in my magic fingers. So, if you value his company, don’t screw pooches.

Secondary to this, I have decided to adjust my preferred punishment technique, and before you all rejoice prematurely, all I mean by that is, I will no longer be using the ancient art of throat pinching to express my disgust with your many failures. From this point forward I will be scrotum squeezing. I feel this will turn out to be a more effective motivator.

And while we’re on the subject, I don’t appreciate all the second guessing going on around here. When I rhetorically mention that my son is on ‘that ship’, or that Ben Kenobe is ‘here’, I don’t want any of you asking me if I’m sure, or making jokes about my tired religion. Haven’t I crushed enough throats around here for you people to get the picture? The force is with me, dammit.

Now onto safety, TK427 tells me that some of you have been working around the large open pits in the docking bay without the proper fall arrest training. I’m telling you people, if I lose my ‘15 years without an accidental workplace death’ pin because one of you assheads wants to be a hero, scrotums are gonna get squeezed!

On an unrelated note, bowling has been moved to Thursday to accommodate the Emperor’s birthday this coming Monday. And yes you are all expected to show up, and yes you are all expected to bring a gift. Leave your sex dolls/droids at home this time though, we don’t need another mix up like last time.

So, to recap; the Dude’s been promoted, his life is in your hands, I won’t accept failure, or succinct and well timed jokes about the Jedi Arts; your scrotums are up for grabs (literally), and the Emperor is another year older. Did I miss anything?

Yours truly,

Lord Vader
(a.k.a. The Emperor’s Bitch)

Dictated (but not read) by Darth Vader, transcribed by R2D7

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