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In this thing we do, this thing called the Paranormal, there are certain things we each come to expect with a little less than a welcoming eye, and in the end we chock those things up to misplaced enthusiasm.  Some of us take these things with a little more charity than others and some of us subscribe to one or all of these things as either a pet peeve or a staple of investigative interpretation.

I am of course talking about the amateur ghost hunter’s prized evidentiary trophy, for in our minds, we each hold one of these three possible issues close to our chest, and either loath its very meaning, or praise its capture and use in any forum.

Orb photos, EVP recordings and Eye witness testimony.

Orb photos tend to be the most overused, misunderstood and entirely misinterpreted form of paranormal evidence used today.  So much so that many credible investigators automatically discount the phenomenon as anything but a feature of cheap photographic technology; but this is not what this piece is about.

Eye witness testimony is by far the most unreliable, though fantastic, form of evidence available to an investigator, whether of the paranormal or of more mainstream interests.  Investigators who understand the fallacies and faults of anecdote and memory, often use testimony as an intermediate tool in focusing the direction of an investigation, though many less experienced gum-shoes fall prey to the fancies of a witnesses own excitement and self-delusion, and always to the detriment of their evidence; but again, this is not what this piece is about.

This bit of space is reserved for a particularly touchy subject among paranormal enthusiasts, a pet project for some, a ridiculous waste of time for others, and still yet, a fantastic source of credible evidence for a growing number of researchers. But I’ve become uncomfortable with this phenomenon, I shy away from the evidence and I look accusingly at those who tout its efficacy. I do this for a specific reason, though maybe not for the reason you’re thinking.

EVP, or Electronic Voice Phenomenon, is the practise of using a recording medium -anything from an analog tape recorder to a state of the art digital voice recorder- to capture the so-called voices of the dead.  Its history is rooted in the Spiritualist Religious Movement of about the turn of the century, and since that time has been regarded with varying levels of respect, awe and in some cases, sheer terror.  In recent times, and with the help of popular television and sub-culture celebrities, the anagram EVP has become synonymous with what is considered the standard for basic evidence of an other-worldly presence.

I, however, grow nervous of a popular assumption that is becoming increasingly common in paranormal research circles of late.  That assumption, which on the surface seems innocent and even justified at times, holds the potential to ruin whatever value EVP work might have held, in much the same was as it has for the Orb photo.

While I would hope that most investigators remain vigilantly aware of the influence of Pareidolia on their own perceptions, I am certain that a great many amateur enthusiasts are not only unaware of that influence, but would be prone to discount any fallibility on their own part, in favour of such EVP evidence.  Though the issue of wanton misidentification is both rampant and severe, that is not the issue which fosters such nervousness in my own observations; at least it isn’t the only issue.

No, the issue for which I am becoming increasingly wary is one of misinterpretation, as opposed to misidentification.  Some may be wondering if there’s really any difference between the two, and I’ll agree that any variance boils down to semantics, but in this case, those semantics are significant.

EVP, having become a relatively cheap and easy way for enthusiast to participate in the research of their favourite reality TV personalities, is now the most accessible form of “spiritual communication” in the world.  Recordings are captured, manipulated, shared, uploaded, enjoyed and discussed, but how much of it is really examined in any critical way?  There are countless websites and blogs dedicated to the phenomenon, untold gigabytes of storage data are used to house the endless supply of sound bytes, which may or may not present evidence of some paranormal activity.  The real problem arises when such enthusiasts and investigators make that final leap of faith, to declare that the so-called voices they hear from beyond are those of the dearly departed.

I don’t intend to debate whether or not those voices are real or imagined, what I want to call attention to is the idea that most EVP researchers either assume that EVP’s (now the common term for an EVP recording) are a direct communication with ghosts (by definition), or fail to state the opposite to their patronage.  There is a fact that must be realised, a fact that is only relevant by default…we do not know what causes the faint, muffled and statically interspersed voices on these recordings.

In reality, there are near-endless possible explanations for electronic voice phenomenon, some rooted in natural science, others based on metaphysical philosophy and still some touting intergalactic interference.  The point to keep in the back of your mind is that EVP is just as much a mystery as the ghostly phenomenon we’re all out here trying to quantify.

And therein lies the real problem with EVP research; the results achieved through any EVP session are at best a quirky display of vocal interaction with some unseen element in our environment.  At worst they are an imaginary figment of our powerful subconscious brain in its attempt to make sense of our strange and ever changing universe.

Electronic Voice Phenomenon is not evidence of ghosts.

That’s a bold statement, one over which I’ve been taken to task for several times in the last few weeks, and one I’m prepared to back up with long winded and highly semantic argument.  Though with a little verbal persuasion most would eventually agree that this is a true statement – at least in so far as there is no information known currently to prove that the above is false.

Electronic Voice Phenomenon is not evidence.

Another bold statement and one I’ve made on more than one occasion, almost always inciting some form of group argument over the fundamental purpose behind EVP research.  Though this one is much more difficult to gain acceptance for, but I am willing to try.

If you were to poll the entire Paranormal Community, meaning every person and group invested in the study of paranormal phenomenon (providing you could even find an accurate enumeration of the community), you would find that the vast majority of investigators, most of whom would call themselves Ghost Hunters, view EVP as a basic tool for investigating haunted locations.

There’s a contradiction there though, one that’s obvious to me but not to most others it seems.  If EVP is not evidence of ghosts, then why is it thought to be both synonymous with ghostly phenomenon and a tool for measuring such phenomenon?

EVP is not evidence.  Say it with me…EVP is not evidence.  For those who would argue against me, I ask, if it is evidence, then what does it prove?  I agree, this is a little simplistic, even if entirely correct, and the issue is not as easily summed up as that question would suggest.

The very nature of what EVP is, tells us that it is not evidence; it is at its best an undefined and unexplained phenomenon in-and-of-itself.  Among the proponent arguments for using EVP as an investigative tool, there are those that claim the historically popular link between EVP and ghosts is sufficient to continue viewing its use (meaning the collection of EVP results) as a tool for the overall investigation of ghosts.  Others suggest that it is as good a tool as any in the face of such unknowns  – what a ghost is, why and where do they exist, and how do they communicate – touting that there is no real reason to not think of EVP as connected to ghosts.  My purpose here is to layout an argument for clarifying and adapting our thinking when it comes to Electronic Voice Phenomenon.

EVP is not evidence, but it is worthy of continued study.

Within the study of such ideas and phenomenon, which is ostensibly the underlying purpose of any such group or person involved in the paranormal community, there have been very few advances in thinking or in methodology.  Those notions and assumptions that were held 100 years ago, are largely still held today, though there have been a few casualties along the way.  Séances, spirit trumpets, ectoplasmic research and many other ideas have fallen by the way side; all the while other ideas have flooded in and taken their place.  The modern ghostly enthusiast is just as convinced in the efficacy of EMF meters and tape recorders as evidentiary tools for proving ghosts exist, as spiritualist Séance sitters were of the tipping table and entranced Medium’s spirit voice a hundred years ago.

What’s the difference?  Well, for one, with table tipping and non-direct voice mediumship there turned out to be much too wide a margin for deliberate hoax, and ultimately the hoaxers ruined any value these early investigatory tools might have had.  In contrast, while there still remains a strong possibility in some cases for trickery and hoax, the vast majority of EVP samples are considered to be genuine, but ‘genuine what?’ is the question I ask.

As I alluded to earlier, this argument is largely semantic, meaning that I would be satisfied with a change in wording rather than a complete change in thinking, but I admit that I seek the latter with much more enthusiasm.  And here I get to the nuts and bolts of the argument…

EVP cannot be considered evidence, since it is not known what causes it.

If I were confident in the idea that most investigators are actually conducting two separate feats of experimental research when they embark on an investigation; the first being an attempt to document, and possibly explain the so-called ghostly phenomenon that originally drew them to that particular location, and the second being an independent collection of EVP data in an effort to explain what EVP is and how it works; I would be content to leave the issue be, but as it stands this is not what is happening in most cases.

As is proven by the surprising number of self-proclaimed paranormal investigators who publish their “findings” online, touting each audio clip as evidence that the location they attended was indeed haunted, the above separation of methodologies is certainly not the norm.

Quite simply, if I cannot prove without doubt that a particular EVP recording was caused by a specific ghost or spirit (by whatever means one might do so), and in turn was not caused by the host of other possibilities, then it is not evidence of ghosts…this is easy enough to understand.  What I propose here is that since we have no current hope of making that declaration, why don’t we reign in our ghostly enthusiasm a tad and start looking at EVP as an independent and exciting phenomenon that can and should be studied all on its own?

It strikes me that the current popular notion that EVP is somehow caused or created by ghosts should require that we test this hypothesis against the possibility of capturing EVP results in locations that are not reported to be haunted.  And herein lays the real problem…

We do not know what ghosts are, we cannot define why a particular location may be haunted while another is not; we know so little that we cannot even be sure that there are non-haunted locations.  So in the face of all this uncertainty, is it helping the cause any to subscribe to using an unknown and unexplainable idea such as EVP to measure, describe or prove the existence of another unknown and unexplainable idea?

It’s been said by some that my argument is all well and good, that it is one thing to suggest that we all need to change our thinking, but unless that suggestion comes with an idea of what we should change it to, the argument is moot.  And in answer to that statement, I offer the following.

For too long the paranormal community has looked at their study in macro fashion, classifying and defining whole entities rather than individual phenomenon.  We have presented volumes of data and “evidence” intended to support big ideas and big assumptions.  I think it’s time to compartmentalise, to separate issues and begin looking at various ideas and phenomenon independently, and where better to start than with the cheapest and most accessible field of study?  EVP!

Yes, I called EVP a field of study, as it rightfully should be viewed.  There are enough mysteries hidden inside the idea of Electronic Voice Phenomenon to warrant several lifetimes of independent experimentation and scrutiny.  EVP is a phenomenon unto itself, and though it may ultimately be connected to ghostly communication, the current thinking and use of the idea is unlikely to get us to that understanding.

In the spirit of this revolution of thinking that I propose, I offer the following experimental opportunities in the independent and direct study of Electronic Voice Phenomenon.

Faraday Shielding Experiment –

Construct a Faraday box to house your recording device

Place your recorder inside the box ensuring that the recorder is insulated from vibration through the box from its operation (to eliminate clicking etc. from the mechanical parts inside the recorder), resting the recorder on a piece of carpet inside the box would suffice.

Use an EM shielded remote microphone, rather than the built in recorder microphone, to further reduce those same ambient mechanical sounds.

Conduct your EVP session as you normally would and compare to results achieved without the use of the Faraday box.

Vary the experiment by switching from a d/c power source to an a/c power source, and even introduce various sources of EM interference (in this instance be sure to document EM field measurements from both a baseline and throughout the experiment).

As a control element for the experiment, use a second identical recording device set up in the same manner but left outside the box.

The purpose of this experiment is to determine if there is a direct relationship between electromagnetic interference and EVP (which we know there is), vary the experiment further, according to your own findings, to explore the extent of that relationship and other factors.

Multiple Recorder Experiment –

Utilise multiple recording units (5 or more) over a series of EVP sessions, begin by placing the units in close proximity to each other.  The units should be identical (brand, model etc.) or as close to identical as is possible. Again, take all steps to ensure the reduction and/or elimination of ambient mechanical noise from the device and from the environment if possible.  Vary the experiment by increasing the distance between the units and even by creating physical barriers between units.

As a control, place one unit in a predetermined location, central to all other units and do not move it as you vary the position of the other units.

The purpose of this experiment is to determine if it is possible to achieve the same EVP result on multiple recording devices.  From this point, there are numerous variations that could be undertaken depending on the results found over several sessions.

Microphone Variance Experiment –

Conduct a series of EVP sessions using multiple identical recording devices, and use different types of microphones, i.e. Electret, Condenser, Carbon, Dynamic, Fibre Optic etc. and compare to results achieved with a control (standard Electret microphone).

Alternately, use each various type of microphone independently over time (rather than as a series of experiments with multiple recorders at one time) and compare those results.

The purpose is to determine if there is any difference in the quality, quantity or type of result achieved with any other the various microphones.

These may be elementary experiments and each is indeed intended to require a great deal of patience as they are carried out over time, but they outline my earlier point.  Neither experiment is necessarily tied to a particular location and thus is not dependent on the notion that the location is “haunted”.  It would be prudent for the study to undertake the same or similar experiments in locations that are reportedly haunted, but as a function of independent EVP experimentation and not as a function of an investigation of the location.

You may or may not agree with my point of view, you may or may not have subscribed hopelessly to the idea that EVP results are the voices of the dead, or you may think the entire thing is a little too woo-woo for you.  In any event, there is much to be learned from the study of not only EVP, but also of the many varied elements of the typical haunting.  I suggest we stop chasing ghosts and start seeking to answer some of the smaller questions involved.  For those answers may lead to some big discoveries.

Guest Author Lura Ketchledge is a self described “Accidental Psychic” and author, she has written a number of books on hauntings, spirits and ghosts and is an inspiration to those sensitives who find themselves reluctant to come forward with their own accounts of psychic phenomenon and ghostly encounters.

The following is one of her experiencs:

This morning I was jolted awake, not by my alarm clock, not the dog barking or the phone ringing, but a spirit hovered near my bed five feet or so from my body.  I wasn’t scared; I didn’t jump out of bed and run down the hall screaming like a mental patent.

You call it a spirit a ghost or a dead person trying to make contact with you.  This soul that came to me was in the shape of a bubble or ball.  It was white and somewhat transparent in color although I knew it was dense.  As I spoke to this soul it floated, almost glided ever close to me.  It was above me, not far from the ceiling, maybe two or three feet above my body.  This ghost or spirit wanted to be seen, it wanted me to know he or she was there.

It had been a month since I had seen a ghost.  That’s a long time between visitations for me.  I usually see one a couple times a week.  It was also a disappointment because this spirit did not identify itself to me, and I didn’t have a clue as to who they had been when they were a live.

The last ghost encounter at my farm didn’t go so well.  About four or five weeks ago, a ghost tried to come in through my bedroom window.  He looked just as human as you or I, except all the pigmentation on his body and clothing was gone and he was all white!  The man was tall and lean with an angular face, and he was old.  The first thing he said to me was ‘Let me in’.  As I tried to prevent him from coming inside my bedroom, my heart was beating out of my chest.  It was past three am, pitch black outside and I was home alone.  The next thing the ghost said broke my heart; he said ‘When can I go back to work?’  Right then and there my fear dissipated and I knew the poor man was lost and confused.  I told him I would come outside to talk to him.  He walked in a circle on my lawn just outside my window then he faded away.  I would like to say that I bolted out my door to come to this poor ghost’s aid but I did not.  I sat in bed for an hour before I ventured outdoors with my flash light and a very sleepy dog at my side.  There was no ghost; no trace of who I had seen, except for the realization that the ghost did not know he was dead!

I am a skeptic by nature, a person who thinks twice before believing anyone living or dead. The cold hard facts of this is case is that I have seen sprits “ghosts” on my farm for the last seven years.

I have taken my personal paranormal experiences and par laid them into three novels. My stories are peppered with my first hand paranormal knowledge. At the same time I finished my third novel I decided to sell my farm and move to Florida. With the housing market in a slump a friend of mine suggested I list my home as haunted .It is listed it on eBay under ‘Haunted Kentucky Horse Farm For Sale’ (where else can you list haunted property!) I five weeks I have had 6,000 people view my farm!

I did not contact the Kentucky Spirit Seekers they found me in early August!

For many years I have been a closet queen so to speak about my own paranormal experiences. I have not watched the ghost hunters on TV or know any of the lingo in the paranormal world.

I didn’t know what to think about the Kentucky Spirit Seekers. Were they nice honest people who happened to research ghosts or were they a group of weirdo’s that needed to be locked up?

Before the group even set foot on my farm these people had already done their home-work. After the phone interviews with me they researched my property.

I built my home seven years ago, it is not old its new. Right after I moved in ghosts made a house call sorts, a welcome to the neighborhood kind of thing.

The night the ghost hunters arrived everything was going in my favor. The weather was warm but not to humid, the phone wasn’t ringing for once and the horses were well away from the house and being quite.

As the team of ghost hunters came to my door I was impressed .They were polite, educated, well dressed and most of all ready to help me. After introductions they got right down to work and started setting up their equipment. I didn’t know there was so much work setting up microphones, cameras and performing sound checks.

I made sure I did my part turning everything electrical off including the air-conditioned. Next I went outside while the team took pictures asked questions aloud with no one in the room. An hour later I sat with two members of the team while the first set of investigators went outside to take more pictures.

I have to say sitting on my bed answering paranormal questions about where the ghost came in and what they looked like made my heart race. It was the first time I opened up with anyone face to face concerning ghosts and it felt good telling these people.

The Spirit Seekers don’t ask for a dime they are not looking for publicity or to sell a book. What they are is a team of reputable paranormal investigators that help folks like me.

After the cameras microphones and all the equipment was packed up they explained to me that it would be a couple of weeks for them to go through all the data they had collected.

True to their word two weeks later two members returned to my home to present their findings. In several pictures were balls, I guess you might call them orbs. In the video there were darting lights in my master bath. Why it was in the bathroom and not in the rest of the house I can’t tell you! I was fine with all the results but one. In some of the audio were answers to questions that had been asked. Most of it was garbled some of it was not! It sent shivers down my spine when I heard a name I knew in the audio. A name of a person that was dead!

To say I was impressed by the results of the investigation is an under statement! I am the type of person that only believes what I see and hear only. Since I have seen ghosts I know they are real that’s a given even if I never met any ghost hunters. When someone else confirmed that ghostly visitations happened right in my home it confirmed what I all ready knew. The only thing I am at a loss to explain is the darting flashes of light shooting through a room in my house. This phenomena is still a mystery to me. When all was done and said the Kentucky Sprit Seekers gave me copies of the pictures and audio.

Just the other day it happened again a ghost came into my bedroom around 8am . I didn’t know who they had been when they were alive although I had a guess. What I did know was that my ghostly visitations aren’t slowing down!

In Northern California there is a well known Toys-R-Us store.  This Toys-R-Us is located at 130 El Camino Real East, Sunnyvale, approximately 40 miles (65 kilometers) south of San Francisco.  The reason that it is so well known is that it is haunted.  In doing my research I found that there were many details of the story that couldn’t be clearly confirmed, however the basics of the story are very much the same.

The Toys-R-Us building was built on top of an old orchard in 1970.  The orchard was owed by either a Martin Murphy Jr. or John Murphy Jr. in the 1800’s.  Since his first name couldn’t be confirmed we will call him Mr. Murphy.  During his ownership of the land Mr. Murphy hired a man named Johnny Johnson, who is the true focus of this story.

Johnny Johnson was a Swedish immigrant who came to work on the Murphy Ranch after being stuck down with an illness.  Johnson originally lived in Pennsylvania before moving west to California to become a circuit preacher.  During his time as a preacher Johnson became ill with encephalitis (inflammation of the brain) which left him mentally handicapped.  His mental illness resulted in the locals calling him “Crazy Johnny”.  Since Johnny could no longer perform his duties as a preacher he sought out miscellaneous work.

Johnny was hired as a ranch hand by Mr. Murphy (dates unknown) and while working on the ranch he fell in love with Mr. Murphy’s daughter Elizabeth.  It is not known if the feeling were mutual.

One day while chopping wood Johnny swung the axe and missed the wood accidentally cut himself with an axe.  It hasn’t been confirmed if he cut his leg, or his wrist or his neck, regardless he cut himself and slowly bled to death.

Elizabeth eventually married an East Coast Lawyer and became Elizabeth Yuba Murphy Tafee.

When the Toys-R-Us store opened in 1970 employees and customers started claiming to have had strange supernatural experiences.  A lot of the activity seemed to be coming from specific locations.  Stories of aisle 15C and other back aisles reported boxes being thrown from the shelf, bikes being ridden up and down the aisle with no one on them, toys suddenly turning on when no one was in the store, balls bouncing out of the tall cage and continuing down the aisle without slowing down.  Another location in the store that was experiencing a lot of activity was the women’s restroom.  In the restroom the faucets would turn on and off when a woman was in the bathroom.  There were also reports of the drinking fountain being turned on when people walked by.  The most common experience was that most women in the store shopping claimed that they could feel someone either brushing their hair or tapping them on the shoulder.

In 1978 a local writer Antoinette May became interested in the story of the “Haunted Toys-R-Us”.  She enlisted the assistance of psychic Sylvia Brown and a photographer to join her in an investigation of the haunting.

The story of the investigation goes like this; while they were investigating, Brown confirmed that the ghostly presence was that of Johnny Johnson.  Some had previously thought that it might have been Mr. Murphy.  He told Brown that she should move unless she wanted to get her feet wet.  It was later confirmed that where Brown had been standing at the time was where a well used to be when the ranch was still intact.  Brown preformed a séance with several guests that had also joined the investigation.  At the beginning of the séance, Brown stated that they had an additional guest, a tall lanky man standing in the door way of the room, with his hand in his pocket.  The photographer took a snap shot of the area Brown pointed to.  When the picture was developed sure enough there he was.

While Brown was talking to Johnny’s spirit she confirmed much of the above information and asked him why he was there.  He told her that he was waiting for the love of his life Beth.  When asked who Beth was Johnny confirmed it was Elizabeth Murphy.  Brown told Johnny that Elizabeth was no longer there, that she had passed on a long time ago.  She told him that Elizabeth had married and moved on to live her life else where before she had passed on.  She informed Johnny that it was ok for him to move on.  He told her no, he was going to continue to wait and that he enjoyed being in the store and playing with the children and the toys.

Since that visit, stories and reports still come out of the Toys-R-Us of ghostly encounters, and the legend of Toys-R-Us still lives on.  To our knowledge, no other medium, psychic or ghost hunter has ever conducted a follow up investigation of the site.  So, if you ever get the chance to visit Northern California be sure to make Haunted Toys-R-Us your ghostly destination.

I really enjoyed this book. Not necessarily my all time favourite, but it’s definitely in the top 10. If you consider yourself informed on the science of medicine, or even just the scientific method…you need to read this book.

Ben Goldacre is witty, supremely knowledgeable, and an excellent author. I am now far wiser on the perils of big pharma, medical science reporting in the media and homeopathy. I share Goldacre’s disdain for the hijinks of the nutrition and vitamin industries, and for homeopath pseudo-intellectuals who pass bad science off as gospel truth.

Goldacre’s writing style does take some getting used to, what with his use of common British idioms and some colourful language. His point, nonetheless, should be heeded by everyone, especially since general health and wellbeing are at the forefront of everyone’s mind these days.

He will teach you, the layman, the in’s and out’s of interpreting the technical jargon of the most complex scientific studies and press releases. More than that though, he’ll teach you how to spot bad science in today’s world of information overload.

Pick up your copy of Bad Science Today, through Amazon.com

I thoroughly enjoyed this book. Contrary to the opinions expressed by my fellow critics. I found the authors passion for Leonardo and for Leonardo’s science to be riveting. I have not studied Leonardo directly, and so appreciated the inclusion of such biographical detail. I realise that there are literally thousands of books written on Leonardo, from diverse perspectives. Though I was pleased with the mix of science discussed by the author as it related to Leonardo’s life, his art and his death. I found exactly what I was looking for in this book.

Having said that, I can see how those more advanced in their understanding of art, or of Renaissance science / history might have found it to be somewhat cursory, though as a newcomer to this subject, I think that this book should be heralded as a must read for those embarking on self directed study of the Master and his work.

I gave this book four and a half out of five.

Buy a copy of The Science of Leonardo via Amazon.com today!

The Greatest Show on Earth is by far the Greatest Book Ever Written (well, at least by Dawkins’). Having his entire collection on my bookshelf, I am in the common position to compare this to all his other works, and I feel that I am safe in declaring that The Greatest Show on Earth should be required reading in all high school curricula.

In contrast to my usual complaint over Dawkins’ work, this book is joyfully free (for the most part) of secular preaching, and provides one of the most comprehensive and easily digestible explanations of Darwinism, evolution and evolutionary biology that can be found anywhere.

Being a fan of Dawkins, I would be likely to offer a recommendation for any volume in his collection, though this book is, in my humble opinion, quintessential to understanding the complex, beautiful and entirely necessary science of evolution, (in lieu of pursuing a doctorate in biology)

I give The Greatest Show on Earth five out of five…Buy it, read it, recommend it!

As I write this piece, millions of people are wringing their hands with worried frustration, they are fearful of the bad luck that will surely befall them over the course of the day.  Today is Friday the 13^th, and I need not explain that superstition further, though I shall.

Friday the 13^th has long been a day of superstitious forbearance; it is connected to several ancient legends and is the focus of more than one phobia.  Historically speaking the legend that says Friday the 13^th is a day of profound bad luck, comes out of medieval Europe around the turn of the fourteenth century.  It is said that as the knights Templar, a monastic military order, charged with protecting Christian Pilgrims along the path from Europe to Jerusalem during the Crusades, came to be a debtor of King

Philip IV of France

in 1307AD, to the potential ruin of the French Empire.  In order to quell the impending disaster of dept collection, Philip arranged the demise of all Knights Templar in France via orders that were to be opened on the morning of October the 13^th, a Friday.  The orders accused the Knights of egregious acts of heresy, and demanded that French troops engage and arrest any and all Knights Templar in France, seizing land, and assets in the name of the King and of Pope Clement V.  Following arrest, medieval torture tactics were used to force confessions for their crimes and eventually all of the knights were executed.

To add insult to injury, King Phillip had the Templars buried in a public manner: a large event in front of the Notre Dame Cathedral would have Templar Grand Master Jacques De Molay publicly admit guilt of heresy. Instead, the defeated grandmaster took to his forum and apologized to the people and Templar Knights for his weakness in signing forced confessions. He then rescinded his original confession and testified to the public that he, his men, and all Templar Knights were innocent, despite their forced confessions. An embarrassed King Phillip was enraged by the old man’s actions and had him burned at the stake along with his second-in-command. De Molay’s dying words were to curse King Phillip and Pope Clement V, claiming that by the year’s end they both would meet their demise. Adding to the superstitious legacy of Friday the 13th and to the power of the Templars, both men did die that year.[1]

Of course, the Knights Templar tale isn’t the only reason for Friday the 13^thsuperstition; In numerology, the number twelve is considered the number of completeness, as reflected in the twelve months of the year, twelve hours of the clock, twelve tribes of Israel, twelve Apostles of Jesus, twelve gods of Olympus, etc., whereas the number thirteen was considered irregular, transgressing this completeness. There is also a superstition, thought by some to derive from the Last Supper or by others, a Norse myth that having thirteen people seated at a table will result in the death of one of the diners.

A fear of Friday the 13^th is known as friggatriskaidekaphobia, wherein a fear of the number 13 is known as triskaidekaphobia, and this fear manifests in many elements of today’s society, from Black Friday – which is associated to stock market crashes since the 1800’s – to the quirky habit of highrise builders in leaving out the 13^th floor (though the 13^th floor still exists, it’s just called the 14^th floor).

As a personal aside, I’ve always found it curious that people will find superstition in the inventions of men.  The Gregorian Calendar is simply a method for marking the passage of time, yet we find ways to vilify and venerate certain elements of that calendar based on old world hokum. From dates containing all the same digit (i.e. January 11, 2011, or 1/11/11), to Friday the 13^th, it amazes me how much time is devoted to tracking and monitoring infinitesimal happenings on these special dates and correlating them to bad luck.  Add in the superstitions that arise out of lunar cycles and planetary alignments, and one can find a reason to be weary of virtually any day in the calendar.

Thought there are those who revel in others torment, and many traditions are coming to bear which actually venerate both the number 13 and Friday the 13^th, most notably, the motorcycle rally’s that occur across North America every Friday the 13^th.

Any way you slice it, superstitions such as these are a pernicious and infectious malady of our culture, they do very little good, and quite a bit of harm under the right conditions, and to my mind it’s time to let them go, to let them be a part of our past, not our present or future.

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[1] Nathaniel Lachenmeyer, 13: The Story of the Worlds Most Popular Superstition, Ch.5 (2004)

Some time ago I wrote a piece titled ‘What To Do When Aliens Attack – A Brief Field Guide’, it was a satirical monologue, intended to get a laugh or two (though I suspect it got fewer laughs than I hoped), but even so, some of the recommendations were latent sage advice.  Here I intend to provide a more serious attempt at a guide for dealing with disaster and mayhem.

Each of us knows, somewhere in the back of our brain, that our own emergency preparedness is lacking to some degree.  Disaster can strike, literally, any time, and when it does we can respond, flee or die frozen in fear.  Speaking from limited experience with disasters, I cannot offer advice for surviving natural or man made disasters, but one type of disaster is, perhaps, my forte.

What To Do When Aliens Attack, Redux

I think it prudent to make a few distinctions before we get to the nitty-gritty of the story here, namely, contact with alien life need not be thought of as intrinsically disastrous, though I suspect more than a few will disagree.  We can and should hold out hope that such contact will come with a proverbial olive branch in the clutches of a white dove.  As mentioned in my recent piece titled ‘On the Form and Value of Extraterrestrials, Part II’, I noted that there seem, logically, to be three main reasons for such contact, 1) colonization, 2) the search for resources, and 3) exploration.  Now I agree with those decriers who would suggest that my view of the situation is strongly anthropocentric, but since it is by nature of my humanity that my view of the question is necessarily anthropocentric, I have no choice but to carry on in spite of that fact.

I went on, in the previous piece, to elaborate on the value of each type of visitation, stating that colonization must, by necessity, be malevolent in nature, meaning that our existence would lie in the way of successful alien colonization, and as such we would be exterminated, much like the way we treat cockroaches in our kitchens.  This, of course, would be disastrous to say the least.

If the impetus for contact with alien races is due to the search forresources, we might be spared the proverbial bug bomb, though interference in the search for and collection of such resources might change the game and give such visitors cause to eliminate us prior to or in conjunction with their efforts.  Though for all we know, we could be the resource they are seeking, in which case, such collection would necessarily be hostile (though not necessarily because of the visitors intention, but more-so due to our reaction to the prospect).

If such visitors came with exploration as their motive, we should see no reason why such contact would be anything but benign and peaceful, for what use would there be in interacting with a species violently if your purpose is to learn.

As we’ve seen from popular media in recent years, the prospect of violent alien contact is one to be feared, for if they posses the technical capability to reach us, then their technological advantage will be that much more advanced than our own, putting us at an obvious and crippling disadvantage.  If we would hope to resist such action, it would be military opposition alone that might turn the tides, though our collective military would likely be out gunned and out manned.  For the average individual, battle should be the least of your concern; survival should be paramount at this point.

And here we come to it: 5 Steps to Surviving Violent Alien Contact.

• Preparedness: as most of us know, emergency preparedness is one of those things that we all think is a good idea, but we rarely get around to doing anything about it.  Evacuation plans, emergency supplies, back up power etc.  These are all the things we should be thinking about ahead of time.  It is likely that violent alien contact on a mass scale will appear to be natural disaster to the majority of the population, at least for a brief time. And like any natural disaster, there are items you will need while local authorities attempt to deal with either evacuations or entrenchment.  It is recommended that everyone have an emergency preparedness kit in their home and/or vehicle, and that it is tested and restocked at least annually.

• Evacuation and Escape; larger cities would probably be first strike targets, followed by suburban areas and then rural townships, and all three would need to react to the threat in different ways. Providing you have power and it is safe to remain in your home, do so, and turn on your TV.  Instructions from the government for evacuation procedures will likely be broadcast via emergency systems.  If power is out and no instructions are available, remain in your home/office as long as it is safe to do so.  Your instinct will likely be to get to, or gather your loved ones in a safe place, but do so only if it does not pose a threat to yourself.  Always remember that your survival is of paramount importance.  Due to the sheer number of people involved in an urban retreat from alien threat, mass evacuations would inevitably clog highway systems and public transit (providing EM pulse weaponry wasn’t used in a first strike, wherein vehicles would be useless).  Being familiar with all routes of egress from your area is vital, but be prepared to walk.  Travel light, carrying only what you need (such as your emergency preparedness kit).  If ground fighting or aerial attacks are occurring, take shelter underground (basements, subway tunnels etc) until it is save to move on.  In this event I reiterate my comments from the first piece I wrote on this topic, avoid the crowd.  Stay in small groups and don’t follow large columns of people on main routes.  Though in order for this to work, you must be intimately familiar with your general area; otherwise you could end up lost and heading in the wrong direction.

• Duck and Cover; I hate to say it, but when faced with an aggressive or violent invasion from aliens, aliens with greater technology than our own, your best bet is to duck and cover, to hide and stay hidden.  This is no time to be a hero; it’s time to look out for number one.  There are people who are trained to handle combat, they carry big guns and they answer to the government.  Let them do the fighting on your behalf and get yourself out of harms way.  Though you should know the difference between cover and concealment.  Being hidden doesn’t necessarily mean being safe.  When bullets are flying there are few things that will stop them, trees, building walls, fences etc, bullets will go right through them, just like they would through warm butter.  If you were to find yourself amid live combat between armed forces and an alien threat, you need to be worried about friendly fire, just as much as enemy fire, and essentially, my advice is to get low, stay low and move toward the good guys, when you get to them…keep going.

• Be Careful Who You Trust; unfortunately, the worst times can bring out the worst in people.  Widespread devastation eliminates the ability of government forces, be they the army or even local police forces, to act and function normally, to keep control over those criminal elements that would use such circumstances to their benefit.  Robbery, theft, rape and murder would go undetected and un-pursued in such conditions, and so you must be weary of the people with which you find yourself.

• Put the Damn Camera Down and Protect Yourself; How many times have we seen a shaky video from the epicentre of a natural disaster, probably hundreds of times, if not thousands.  These images give us insight into the events and show the rest of the world the suffering that goes on at the front lines of foreign places.  But this, an alien attack, is no spectator sport. As much as one may hope to get a lucky shot of ET waving his alien hand at you through the window of his flying saucer, what’s more likely to happen is that the camera man puts himself and the people around him at greater risk by seeking contact with the enemy forces.  Forget about going down in history as the photographer who got ET’s snap shot, and get yourself to safer ground.

Would we stand a chance against a technologically advanced alien invasion?  In my view, probably not.  I think it would be safe to say that we’d all be on our own from the start of the show.  Governments would scramble to protect leaders and dignitaries, but the common folk, the people who make up the populous at large would be left to fend for themselves.  We’ve already seen as much in recent natural disasters, so I’m sorry to say it, but we’ve got no one watching our backs.  If devastation occurred on a global scale, anarchy and chaos would reign indefinitely and the human population would be thinned to near extinction.  Only those able to withstand the change from our current way of life, to that of pre-industrial revolution will survive.  It would be an Armageddon, though I suspect there would be less fire and brimstone than traditions suggest.